Hillary’s crimes are no crimes at all

In a different time, perhaps against a different opponent, the email-a-day dribbling out of messages hacked from Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager’s email server might have been something of a problem. But when compared with the torrent of filth and stupidity pouring from Donald Trump’s mouth, and with the accusation-a-day of plain, old-fashioned, send-him-to-jail sexual assault and predation the man has committed, Hillary’s email problem is … well, it’s just not a problem.

Thanks to MSN.com we actually have a complete picture of the “crimes” Clinton is alleged to have committed. When Trump and the mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, superstitious cretins who howl “Lock her up!” at his rallies talk about Hillary Clinton’s crimes, here is what they are talking about:

1. Being cozy with Wall Street.

The crime: Bill Clinton apparently had scheduled a speech before big-money Wall Streeters just before the rollout of Hillary’s presidential campaign. Hillary didn’t want Bill to cancel the speech, as a matter of principle. Her advisors prevailed on her, and the speech was cancelled.

So what? Frankly, if there’s anyone I’d want to be cozy with Wall Streeters, it’s Bill Clinton. He speaks their language, he’s liked and respected by them, and if anyone can persuade them to do something — anything — for the betterment of the Great American Middle Class, it’s Bill Clinton. Accepting hefty cash payments from the well-heeled doesn’t automatically commit anyone to doing their bidding, a message the Clintons no doubt build into their communications with the ultra-rich.

2. Shuffling primaries in Illinois.

The crime: Apparently the Clinton campaign thought it would be advantageous if they could move the Illinois presidential primary to a later date. Turns out, they couldn’t.

So what? This is nothing more than “politics as usual,” the kind of thing politicians try to pull all of the time. It’s breathtaking in its arrogance, but there is absolutely nothing criminal or even remotely wrong about it. It’s just politicians doing what politicians always do — trying to gain some advantage so their ideals and their philosophies have a better chance of influencing the direction of the country.

3. Private email system.

The crime: We know what this is all about — Hillary Clinton was just too technologically challenged to mess with two separate email systems and so used her private one for a bunch of work emails. Some potentially classified emails may have been exchanged on the wrong system, exposing them to possible hacking.

So what? So did Colin Powell. Moving on …

4. Response to email-gate.

The crime: Clinton’s people were slow to understand how serious email-gate would become. They failed to grasp how hard the 24-hour news cycle, led by the Hillary-h8ers at Faux News, would work to make this a major scandal.

So what? Every major public official has, at one time or another, failed to understand how serious other people can make something look. This is a common error among the great and near-great, that they just don’t realize that there are people out thre who are so vested in attacking them that they’ll fling marshmallows when they can’t find real rocks. The only thing that’s real about this issue is the fervence with which Clinton’s attackers continue to attack even when there’s nothing to attack with.

5. Bill Clinton’s business.
The crime: Chelsea Clinton was trying to protect her mom and dad by interfering in the the inner workings of the Clinton Foundation. At no time, apparently, did the Clintons sit down with their daughter and foundation executives and hash things out. One exec allegedly threatened suicide.

So what? This was a private, non-profit, 501(c)3 corporation, not the U.S. Department of State. The worst that can be said is that, apparently, the Clintons are pretty hard to work for. They’re a tight-knit group, which is probably the result of having been under nearly constant attack by jealous, zealous, mindless conservatives for the past thirty years, and they intuitively have each other’s backs.

6. Trade policy.

The crime: I’m going to quote MSN directly here: “Hillary Clinton told bankers behind closed doors that she favored ‘open trade and open borders’ and said Wall Street executives were best-positioned to help reform the U.S. financial sector, according to transcripts of her private, paid speeches…” And, she reaped $26 million in speaking fees.

So what? Free trade is a wonderful dream that evokes images of goods, wealth, and people circulating freely and prosperously among nations, spreading culture and the good life far and wide. In practice, unfortunately, it usually involves other countries using sweat shops and, in come cases, actual slave labor to produce cheap crap to dump on the U.S. market while they refuse to buy anything but a few raw materials from the U.S. Clinton was naive, yes, and maybe way too idealistic, especially for a former secretary of state, when she made those speeches. As for the fees — well, nice work, if you can get it. At least she wasn’t charging $600 for a three-dollar vial of medicine.

So these are Hillary Clinton’s crimes; talking about free trade, mis-calculating the ferocity of her enemies’ hatred for her, having a daughter who is loyal to her parents, trying to gain a political leg-up, and being married to Bill Clinton.

I’m not going to just dismiss Hillary Clinton’s non-transgressions as the meaningless distractions they are. I’m tired of hearing people complain that Hillary Clinton is the “least of two evils” and that that she gets their vote only because she isn’t Donald Trump or Gary Johnson or any of the other rank amateurs whose names are on the presidential ballot. Hillary Clinton isn’t the lesser of two bads. She’s the one good one in the bunch. She experienced, she’s liberal, she’s realistic, she’s intellectual, and she understands that it takes complicated, long-term solutions to deal with the complicated, long-term problems that face our country. Has she made mistakes? Of course, but those mistakes are crimes only in the fevered imaginations of ultra-conservative ideologues who reflexively attack anyone who isn’t exactly like them.

She isn’t the least bad of a bad bunch, she’s among the best this country has to offer, the cream of the crop, the top of an elite group of leaders and thinkers.

So yeah, lock her up. In the Oval Office. And don’t let her out until she’s straightened this country out.

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